Pac-Man
Atari 2600
1981
This is a shitty port. This port is so bad it is blamed as one of the key reasons for the video game industry’s 1983 total crash and burn. And as someone who has played it ever, I see their point. The real Pac-Man’s brilliance is based in an elegant simplicity, so you’d think the jerkholes porting the game wouldn’t be able to screw up the game as badly as they did. To have a game this bad named after something so good and pure should be a criminal act.
How bad does this port suck? True Story: When I was seven I liked to play Trivial Pursuit with the grown-ups in my family. Since Trivial Pursuit questions are written for Baby Boomers and I was a seven-year in 1990, these games were pretty frustrating ordeals. God, being seven sucked.
At any rate, though, one night my team got the big question: “How many points is a dot worth in Pac-Man?” This was my big seven year old moment. This was my chance to meaningfully contribute to the team. “one point!” I confidently declared.
“Wrong,” I was told. “The correct answer is ten points.” The card wanted the point value from the real Pac-Man, not the still-birth of a port I played on my Atari.
That’s how worthless this game is. Pac-Man 2600 sucks so bad it makes you lose other games.
30. Pac-Man
29. Ms. Pac Man
Ms. Pac Man
Atari 2600
1982
For a while, shortly after high school, I’d spend most of my evenings with my best friend, Zac, at Peg’s Corner, our local greasy spoon. We would eat our fried food and drink our coffee and bullshit for hours, night after night. Film, politics, comic books, dipshit philosophy. Zac and I could entertain ourselves talking about nothing and everything indefinitely.
Peg’s was a glorious hole in the wall, where you’d see the same skuzzy, disreputable folks on a nightly basis. Most of those folks showed up after the bars closed, because Peg’s was open 24 hours, except for a few hours on Sundays, a detail we never failed to forget. It was the sort of place where the waitresses wouldn’t even have to take your order, because your order never changed. (The "A Club" for Zac, the “Old Standby” for me.) There was a familial atmosphere to Peg’s. It was perfectly fine for Elbow, the toothless guy who didn’t come back from Vietnam quite right, and a permanent Peg's fixture, to join your table, uninvited, to talk to about the value of talking cars. It was that sort of place.
Peg’s also had a Ms. Pac Man machine in the back. It was a “cocktail cabinet” which basically meant it was a table with a video game inside it. It had the dip switches set so that Ms. Pac Man moved as fast as possible, while the ghost moved as slowly, making the game much easier. You could get a lot of mileage out of a single quarter on that machine.
Our sit-down, easy-mode Ms. Pac Man machine was the best arcade machine ever, and we played the hell out of it. Zac was only just slightly better than me, but consistently so. .It felt like OUR machine. We had the high scores, and we knew its quirks. We knew which side had a better joystick, and how to compensate for the crappy one.
Ms. Pac Man is the video game dearest to my heart because to me will it will always symbolize late-night coffee and teenage bullshit sessions. A few years later, Peg’s is gone, I no longer see Zac nearly as often as I should, and I have no idea what happened to that Ms. Pac Man machine. I miss the hell out of all three.
Oh, the Atari port is pretty serviceable.
28. Missile Command
Missile Command
Atari 2600
1981
If I were the sort to admit that it was possible for a a port of a trackball-based arcade game to be a good game, despite being a joystick-based Atari game, I would probably give Missile Command those props. However, the reason I own a ridiculous SlikStik arcade controller complete with five joysticks, dozens of buttons, a spinner, and a trackball is so that I need never make that sort of concession.
If I want to play Missile Command, I will play proper Missile Command, dammit.
27. Mario Bros.
Mario Bros.
Atari 2600
1983
Mario, no longer a carpenter, is now a plumber working with his brother Luigi. Together, they are trying to rid the sewers of turtles, crabs, and really large flies. When they kill a pest, someone flushes some money down the pipes, and the two brothers scrabble for the money like pigs.
Like Mario’s first game, Donkey Kong, this game takes a blue collar job and exaggerates it into a fun gameplay scenario. Unlike Donkey Kong, this game this game has no giant gorilla. Mario Bros. is one of those games that is well constructed, and perfectly playable, yet ultimately kinda boring. Ain’t nothing super about this game.
26. Laser Blast
Atari 2600
1981
When you think of a typical video game from the Atari era (otherwise know as “the arcade era”, depending on your perspective), the scenario that comes to mind likely involve invaders from space trying to kill you, if not your entire planet. Or you think of Pac-Man. Or Donkey Kong. Or maybe Frogger. However, my point is that back in the day, there were an ass-load of games based around planetary defense.
Laser Blast inverts that traditional setup, by putting the player in charge of the invaders. You control a flying saucer tasked with blasting planetary defense cannons with what I presume be lasers. The game gets mad style points for this clever switcheroo, but fails to score any gameplay points or fun points. Those are the more important points to score.
Blasting things with lasers should always be exciting, but not in this game. The action is far too easy, and dull to boot. Each screen consists of the exact same scenario: you try to destroy three cannons before they destroy you. This is very simple and surprisingly unfun.
In a nice touch, if you are shot down, you can control your descent, perhaps taking out a cannon as you die. So the game gets further style points, but in a game painfully lacking complexity, variance, or challenge, who really gives a crap?
Today, I played a single game of Laser Blast for about half an hour before my Atari crashed. This may have been the only time in my life that I have been grateful to have a game interrupted by spontaneous hardware failure.
25. Krull
Atari 2600
1983
Krull is a video game based on a movie that I have never seen, also named Krull. Everything I know about the movie is based on playing this game. This is the plot of the story, as I have interpreted it:
Krull is a dude about to get married. Unfortunately, before they are wed, his bride is kidnapped by spear-wielding knights. The motivation of the knights is left unclear. Maybe they are just lonely.
At any rate, Krull jumps on his horse, chasing after the knights and his bride, but he gets lost. Lacking direction, he starts drifting aimlessly, collecting swastikas along the way. if questioned, he'd tell you that he’s no racist, he just finds the trappings of Nazism to compelling.
After collecting several pieces of fascist memorabilia, Krull almost gets eaten by a giant spider, but runs away only to be killed by some big dude because Krull doesn't know how to fight. The end. It is sort of like Romper Stomper, where it is left ambiguous whether it has a pro-Nazi or anti-Nazi message.
24. Keystone Kapers
Atari 2600
1983
Huh. This is the third platformer I’ve played in a row, which wouldn’t be weird if I were playing NES games, but these are Atari games, and Atari is not really suited toward platforming. It is suited for Space Invaders and I guess Frogger. Platforming is for more mature systems, systems able to handle both hopping AND bopping. The Atari should stick to shooting things in space, with the occasional foray into frog sex.
But for all that, some times you gotta say “screw all that noise, I’m going to make a goddamn platformer.” It is the rebels with that sort of dangerous attitude that change the world. One of those rebels gave us Keystone Kapers.
In Keystone Kapers, you play a cop chasing a robber through a multi-story department store. The cop is much faster than the robber, but between he and his prey is an increasing number of unlikely obstacles, including, but not limited to, shopping carts and remote control airplanes. You have to catch up with the robber before he gets to the roof and escapes somehow. Maybe he’s got a buddy with a helicopter waiting for him?
This chasing scenario is freaking great and leaves me wondering why it hasn’t been used in tons and tons of platformers. The game has a nice progression of difficulty starting out stupidly easy, steadily progressing into the realm of stupidly hard.
My only complaint with the game is that it toys with providing alternate routes, with the inclusion of escalators and elevators, but no matter how many times you begin the hunt anew, the store layout never changes, and there is only one “correct” path. That’s a small quibble in an otherwise fantastic game.
23. Kangaroo
Kangaroo
1983
2600
In Kangaroo you play a rabbit trying to climb ladders to reach another rabbit, while avoiding hacky sacks thrown by mutant fish-squids.
This is a blatant attempt to rip off Donkey Kong, and good on them. The Atari Kangaroo is a much better game than the Atari DK. It has more interesting enemies, it has more stages, and it has additional depth with the addition of some slick new mechanics like ducking and punching.
Indy 500
Released in 1978
Atari 2600
This game lead to a lot of shouting matches between my brother and I when we were kids, and it still manages to be pretty exciting today when playing with 2 players.
Indy 500 is obviously a racing game, and so it uses the Driving controllers for the 2600. They look just like the Paddle controllers I mentioned in the Breakout review, but these apparently work differently. Don't ask me why. The space age technology behind the Atari 2600 should not be questioned. Just accept the fact that you will need a new pair of controllers with the "Driving" symbol on them.
Now the game itself has a half-dozen different variations. There is several variations centered around standard lap races of course, including ice variants, but the real entertainment for me came from Tag mode and Crash mode (sadly nothing like our modern day Crash mode a la Burnout).
Crash mode, in my imagination, is where one or two players compete to run over a spectator who was foolish enough to wander onto the track. Each time said spectator is eliminated, another is tossed onto the track, and a mad dash to run them over ensues. The person you're racing to may just be a dot, but imagination made everything more exciting in the days of Atari.
So I suppose Indy 500 is still kind of cool today, but only if you don't have access to any technology made after 1985.
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Now playing: Sneaker Pimps - 6 Underground
via FoxyTunes
22. Jungle Hunt
Jungle Hunt
1983
Atari 2600
In Jungle Hunt, you play a jungle explorer who is running through a jungle from right to left. During the course of the game, you swing on vines, avoid crocodiles, and jump over rolling obstacles. I approve of all of these actions, and I believe that these gameplay elements can be combined in a solid platforming game, even given the limitations of the Atari's hardware. Jungle Hunt is not that game. Jungle Hunt is just unmemorable and slightly sucky.
21. Haunted House
Haunted House
Atari 2600
1981
Once, long ago, when I was young and not yet scarred by games such as Fire Fighter, and that flying game, the worst video game I had ever played was Haunted House. I’ve come a long way since those innocent days, but this game is still terrible, and I still hate the survival horror genre.
20. Grand Prix
Atari 2600
1982
Grand Prix uses the same game engine as Barnstorming, so clearly we’re looking at garbage, but it still serves a useful counterexample to showcase everything Barnstorming did wrong. Instead of flying a crop duster, you are driving a racecar. Instead of aimlessly flying over barns, you are trying to win a race. Instead of trying to avoid geese and windmills, you are trying to avoid colliding with other racecars.
I don’t wish to be unclear; Grand Prix is one of dullest racing games you can play. However, compared to its airborne cousin, it seems like a nonstop thrill ride. Such is the evil power of Barnstorming.
19. Golf
Golf
Atari 2600
1978
Playing golf is one of the boringest pastimes on this planet. Even more boring than playing golf is playing video game golf. Even more boring than modern video game golf is Golf for the Atari.
I reset my scored, rolling past 99. On the second hole.
17. Frogs and Flies
Atari 2600
1982
There isn’t much to Frogs and Flies. In this two-player game, you press up on the joystick to jump from one side of the screen to the other in a static, pre-determined path. If your frog’s mouth passes by a fly during this jump, you eat it. Who ever eats the most flies wins. That's it. This game is so simple, it makes Hungry Hungry Hippos look like Go. Despite being so laughably simplistic, there is a degree of skill involved in nabbing flies, which keeps the game playable, at the least.
The weird thing about this game is that if you toggle the difficulty from “easy” to “hard”, you find yourself able to move your frog back and forth, and control the height of your jumps. Paradoxically, this does indeed make the game much, much more difficult. In this free-will mode, the game stops being an oversimple game of timing and turns into a frustrating exercise of not making your frog go where you want it to.
One may be tempted to dismiss these quirky controls as nothing more than shoddy programming, but I choose to interpret a deeper meaning. I hold that Frogs and Flies is a subtle argument for social conformity. Frogs who stay on their preordained path catch lots of flies. Frogs who insist on charting their own course, fall off of their lily pads leaving thier flies to the competition.
Gorf
Released 1982
Atari 2600
Gorf is the first game I remember playing that had a legitimate boss fight. That's a big step in my personal gaming history, and I've always looked back fondly on this game as a result. Yes, I am a huge nerd. I am aware.
The game itself is yet another Space Invaders knock off, but the twist is of course the boss fight I mentioned. The first wave or level of the game has your ship/cannon/totem/sling-shot/tripod/manowar-thing going up against a fleet of space invaders (the manual calls them "Gorfs and Droids") that move side to side just like in the classic game. You shoot them, and as they get closer to the ground, they get faster.
Anyway, the second wave then begins and features a squadron of 5 fast moving alien ships. The left and right wing-men continually dive bomb the player, while the lead ship fires a massive (and loud) LAZOR BEAM at the player. It takes a few risky moves to clear the wave, but once you've taken out all 5 ships, you move onto the strangest of the 4 waves. At wave 3, there is a circle of dots that never moves, and a strange tie-fighter looking ship spirals outward from the circle. The player has to shoot several of these in succession before they move too far from the circle. That wave has always seemed odd to me.
The final wave is against a single relatively large ship that flies back and forth dropping pixel-bombs. The ship is very loud, and has a single weak point, which is about 2 pixels wide, and requires only 1 hit to ensure total destruction.
Once you've finished the 4th wave, the entire thing just starts back over again and repeats until you get sick of it and shut the damn thing off. It's not terribly challenging, but the uniqueness of each wave gives the player a sense of progression that many games of the day didn't offer.
It's a shame the game had such an awful name.
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Now playing: Ohgr - Water
via FoxyTunes
A Brief Tirade
My Xbox 360 suffered the red ring of death in January.
I sent said it in for repairs, since it was still under warranty.
3 weeks later, I had to take a 45 minute drive to the Fed Ex Ground shipping center in order to sign for my Xbox.
A week or two later, the Xbox suffered yet another red ring of death.
I sent it in for repairs again, with only 1 month left on my warranty.
3 weeks later, I'm trying to find out if there is a way to avoid driving half-way to Cleveland to pick up my 360.
Microsoft outstanding India Customer Support group advised me that the only way I can have my 360 shipped to my place of work (so I may sign for it) is if I wait 4 days for FedEx to ship it back to the Texas service center, then wait another 5 business days for it to be shipped back to me.
I was actually considering buying Burnout Paradise for 360 this weekend so that I might pla
y with my good friend in Arizona. I will instead go with my original plan to pick it up on PS3. Judging by my track record with Microsoft, my 360 will die again sometime in April, and Microsoft will advise me it is no longer covered by warranty. This is simply how they seem to operate.I will advise anyone to take time and consider their options when shopping for a next gen system these days. The 360 certainly has the better library, but you should pray to whatever gods you believe in that the thing actually lasts you more than 2 years.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I own 3 PSPs for various reasons. My slim PSP started acting up just after my 360 died the 2nd time. I contacted Sony, they sent me an empty box, and a new slim PSP was delivered to me today. I also, strangely enough, was able to speak to an American customer support rep at Sony, whereas even the supervisors at Microsoft had trouble pronouncing my name.
Microsoft gives folks a free 30 day subscription card to XBox Live to anyone with a busted 360. This simply makes it so I don't actually have to pay for the month of Xbox Live that I couldn't use because I had no xbox.
Microsoft's repair program is a joke, and I just want to make sure folks are aware of this.
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edit: FedEx managed to over-ride Microsoft and was able to re-route the shipment to my workplace, so it all worked out. I was tempted to take this down, but I'm still quite disappointed in Microsoft's handling of the situation over the past 2 months.
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Now playing: Sarah McLachlan - Sweet Surrender (Dj Tiesto Remix)
via FoxyTunes
16. Frogger
Frogger
Atari 2600
1982
In Frogger you guide a series of frogs across a road and across a river into, ah, frogboxes. Along the way, the frogs must avoid cars, snakes, and crocodiles, all while trying to find true love.
This is a truly great game. The act of playing Frogger is an act of video game zen. Once I hear the Frogger music, I float into the Frogger zone, as I rhythmically ferry frog after frog into their frogboxes. Great stuff
The game has gorgeous, simple graphics. Despite the limitations of the system, the frogs, the logs, the cars, they all look attractive and elegant. And even better than the graphics are the sound effects. In addition to the insanely catchy Frogger Theme, the various bleeps and bloops made in Frogger are perfect. For my money, the sound of your frog getting squished is perhaps the greatest death sound in all of videogamedom.
Weirdly, all my Frogger love is exclusive to the Atari version. I hate arcade Frogger, I find the graphics unappealing and the control frustratingly imprecise. Frogger is that rarest of breeds, an Atari port that blows the original out of the water.
15. Freeway
Freeway
Atari 2600
1981
On the surface, Freeway in nothing more than a crappy two-player Frogger clone. And in fact, it IS a crappy two-player Frogger clone. Freeway is a race between two chickens trying to cross a road, and it plays just like competitive Frogger, without the river or the ability to move left or right.
But here is the thing about Freeway: it is the little brother’s revenge game. You see, brothers play video games together, and big brothers always get to be Player One. That is the fundamental order of the universe. And Player One is a very enviable position. Player One gets to choose any game options, Player One usually gets first pick of selectable characters, and of course, Player One always gets to go first.
I believe that Freeway was designed by a little brother, because Freeway is a fundamentally unbalanced game, totally putting the screws to Player One. You see, Player One is on the far left of the screen, while Player Two is on the far right. The way traffic flows in Freeway, this means that Player One will get blindsided by cars appearing from off-screen over and over again while Player Two nimbly scampers across the road.
In his ode to this game, Perry Farrell sang "To fall in love this much, it's very dangerous. She makes me so jealous. I want to kill us both." Presumably, his girlfriend was second player, and was kicking Farrell's ass. By contrast, TV on the Radio sang, "They say it's darkest before the crack of light. You got to fuck somebody over before you get it right." I have no idea what that means.
Also, check out how close this game was:
I was Player One, with Troy, my erstwhile partner in Atari, taking the Player Two spot. Troy thought his chicken was going to score him a narrow win, but Troy was wrong. Some ties feel like wins.
14. Football
Atari 2600
1978
I remembered this game as being awful. Football is is complex sport, and the Atari was a simple, one-button computer. It is the sort of game that just seems like it should be terrible by dint of existing. So I was quite surprised to find that it is quite a fun little two-player game.
My cousin and I played a good, tight game with lots of turnovers and reversals and a pretty high score. It was a good game despite the fact that we spent the entire game trying to figure out how to play it. Or maybe it was so fun BECAUSE we spent the entire game trying to figure it out. I still don’t know how to choose plays, and I don’t understand why a failed pass is an automatic turnover, but at the end of the game I felt like I had played a game of football, VCS style.
13. Fire Fighter
Fire Fighter
Atari 2600
1982
There are lots of exciting professions that seem well suited toward video games. For instance, fire fighting. Over and over again, developers decide to make video games based on fire fighting. Maybe they’ve got their hearts in the right place, but in the past 30 years, no one has ever produced anything close to a good one.
Imagic’s 1982 attempt at the genre is essentially unplayable. This is the sort of Atari game that you fiddle with just long enough to realize that, no, really, this is the whole game. I feel incredibly bad for the poor bastards in the 80’s that actually paid retail price for this stupid thing.
